Understanding the “Why” Behind Our Children’s Behaviour

The Connection Between Actions and Emotions

As parents, we’ve all been there—watching our child melt down in the middle of the grocery store or refuse to do something simple without knowing what just happened. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed or even frustrated, especially when nothing seems to work the way parenting books promised.

But what if we started looking at behaviour not as something to “fix,” but as something to understand?

Behaviour is Communication

Children, especially those with behavioural challenges or neurodivergent traits, don’t always have the language to express what they’re feeling. Instead, their actions become their voice. Tantrums, aggression, defiance, even withdrawal—these aren’t random or “bad” behaviours. They’re signals. Clues that something deeper is going on.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Laura Markham reminds us that children’s actions are reflections of their internal emotional state. When a child lashes out or melts down, it’s often their way of saying “I’m overwhelmed,” “I feel unsafe,” or “I need help.”

The Role of Emotion

Emotions are powerful motivators. According to the James-Lange theory of emotion (James, 1884), emotions stem from our physiological responses to experiences. For children, this might look like crying when they’re scared, or clinging to a parent when they feel uncertain. They may not be able to name their feelings, but they express them clearly through action.

That’s why understanding the emotional root of a behaviour is often the key to supporting it effectively.

Becoming an Emotion Coach

Dr. John Gottman coined the term “emotion coaching,” a method that encourages parents to validate their child’s feelings, name them, and guide them through regulation—not control. This doesn’t mean letting kids do whatever they want, but rather supporting them in building the skills to handle their emotions constructively.

When children feel safe, seen, and supported emotionally, their behaviour often improves naturally.

Focus on What’s Going Right

Positive psychology, pioneered by Dr. Martin Seligman, shifts the focus from what’s “wrong” to what’s strong. By emphasizing strengths, positive emotions, and resilience, we can help children thrive instead of just survive.

B.F. Skinner’s research on reinforcement backs this up: children respond better to positive reinforcement than to punishment. In practice, this might mean:

• Praising a child for taking a deep breath instead of yelling

• Offering extra playtime for using kind words

• Using a reward chart to build consistency with routines

It’s about celebrating progress, not perfection.

Developmental Perspective Matters

Understanding your child’s developmental stage can help reframe their behaviour. Jean Piaget’s stages of cognitive development and Erik Erikson’s psychosocial stages offer valuable context.

For instance, children aged 3–5 are in Erikson’s stage of initiative vs. guilt, where they’re learning to assert themselves and take risks. A child who constantly says “no” might not be defiant—they might just be learning where their boundaries are. Supporting them through this stage with positive guidance can build confidence rather than shame.

So, What Can You Do as a Parent?

Here are a few practical strategies you can start using today:

1. Emotion Coaching

Help your child name their feelings. “It looks like you’re really frustrated right now. Do you want to talk about it or take a break?” These small moments build emotional intelligence.

2. Positive Reinforcement

Notice and acknowledge the behaviours you want to see more of. This might be as simple as: “I saw you took a deep breath before speaking. That was really respectful.”

3. Model Regulation

Show your child what it looks like to manage big feelings. If you’re having a hard day, narrate your process: “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths before I answer.”

4. Create a Safe Environment

Predictability, routines, and a calm space help kids feel secure. The more regulated the environment, the easier it is for kids to regulate themselves.

5. Stay Consistent (and Compassionate)

Children need boundaries—but they also need understanding. A consistent approach with a warm tone builds trust and encourages cooperation.

Final Thoughts

Supporting a child with behavioural challenges isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about being willing to listen, learn, and connect.

At The Grove Collective, we’re here to walk beside you, offering tools that work for your child, your family, and your daily life.

References
Markham, L. (2012). Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.
James, W. (1884). What is an emotion? Mind, 9(34), 188-205.
Gottman, J., & Declaire, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.
Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish.
Skinner, B. F. (1953). Science and Human Behavior.
Piaget, J. (1973). The Child and Reality.
Erikson, E. H. (1950). Childhood and Society.